peace + love + cupcakes

and this afternoon I accepted. I start my new job on Monday.

My interview this afternoon was a second interview with a start-up company that offers a software solution for wealth management. I met with the CEO & he was asking me some pretty tough questions & a lot of them personal. He asked me how I had been able to remain upbeat during the two years that I’ve been unemployed. As I was answering, I could feel my voice breaking a bit. Inside I was freaking out.

Then he asked me to talk about myself for 5 minutes without stopping. He wanted to know more about me but to not mention anything I had already talked about. He said he wanted to know about me as a person. I immediately started talking about training for a half marathon and as I was speaking….

I started to cry.

Yup, I started to cry during an interview. As I was listening to myself talk about the mental & physical aspect of training for my half, it finally sunk in that I was doing a half in 3 weeks. I was talking about how training has taught me that I can do anything I want as long as I work at it & how that could be applied to any area of my life.

I still had more time to fill up so I started talking about moving to the US & leaving everything & everyone behind. I come from a big family and when we moved here in 1989, there were only the 4 of us here (mom, dad, sister & I) and how it was a struggle because we didn’t know the language or customs but that we were able to succeed & work towards the American dream.

I was able to maintain eye contact with him while tears were shed & while I was embarrassed, it was also a bit cathartic. He did ask me more questions afterwards & asked me when I could start if I was given an offer. Perhaps I didn’t scare him off. I think this whole process of losing weight has also brought out emotions that I was either blocking or shoving away. Whenever I thought I couldn’t do something was because I didn’t believe in myself which is something that really hit home during those 5 minutes.

My interview this morning was kind of lame. The interview was with a bank & the branch manager could barely make eye contact and the assistant branch manager kept glancing out at the empty lobby. I met with them for a whopping 15 minutes.

What a weird day.

Have two interviews today. The morning one is a first interview with a financial institution. They called me back based in my phone interview with their recruiter.

The one this afternoon is a second interview with the start-up company I interviewed with last week.

Wish me luck!

We all have certain goals we have in life whether it be lose weight, own our own home & be financially secure or have a family, etc.  The end goal is the motivating factor that gets us out of bed every day and that’s what we work towards.

• You want to lose weight so you make good food choices & work out. 
• You want your own home & to be financially secure so you work hard at your job, are diligent with your spending & save money for a down payment. 
• You want a family so you put yourself out there in hopes to meet someone who shares the same values and ideas as you. 

A lot of the people I follow on social media are people that have set goals and are working towards them.  They are focused and if they have a setback, they pick themselves back up and come back stronger.  What is it about them that they can be so successful?  From my perspective, what makes them all similar is their commitment to the end goal. I can’t be envious of someone losing weight when I see them posting their workouts and their healthy food choices while someone *ahem me*  is posting food p0rn and not working out nearly enough. Just doing enough to get by.  If I am not putting in the time and making good choices, I can’t expect to be successful.

I was reading an article about qualities of highly successful people.  You can apply these qualities to any goal in life not just weight loss.

1. They know what they want. 
2. They are focused. 
3. They know how to separate what is and what is not important.
4. They are committed.

I was supposed to go on a 5 mile run this morning.

Instead I’m in bed with a headache & feeling quite hungover.

But I didn’t drink last night.

I binged.

I don’t know why. I just know that I could see myself doing it & took me a while to stop. I went to bed with a headache last night & woke up feeling worse.

Why did I self-sabotage?

I’ve had a hard time dealing with feelings this week.  Mostly feelings of rejection & a sense of desperation due to my unemployment.  I had two phone interviews with a company last week & I for sure thought I would be getting a call back for an in person interview.  But I haven’t. I try so hard not to get my hopes up for any morsel of what could be good news because once I do, I let my feelings of being rejected take me down.  

I’ve realized that I used to use food as a way to block myself from feeling any feelings I’ve had all through my life.  This is something that I am working on and at times do go back to bad habits.  That hasn’t been the case this week. I am proud of that.  But the way I have dealt with it is by not working out all week and basically letting life pass me by.  Sleeping.  Numbing myself with Netflix.  Playing stupid iPhone games.  

After being unemployed for almost 20 months, it’s hard to continue to get motivated to search for a job because all that has happened is that doors keep getting slammed in my face.  Sounds dramatic but that’s how I feel.   I feel like the 13 years in the field that I’ve worked in are for naught.  I’ve even applied to different industries & entry level positions and nothing comes through for me. 

This isn’t a woe is me type of post because I know that my situation is temporary and that I am luckier than a lot of people that I have the support of my family and friends.   But sometimes it’s hard to remind myself of that or realize how important that is.  I was on such a high the past week due to my long run and then it was like I fell & can’t get up.  My knee has been an issue but if I really wanted to I would’ve pushed myself.

This week I just didn’t care.  It scares me that I can feel that way.   

Since I spent quite a bit of time being inactive this week, I spent a lot of time thinking.  Thinking about my half marathon, my knee hurting, my job situation, money issues, relationships & life in general.  I talked to a recruiter and he asked me a question that I really dislike:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?  

Most people I know seem to have a goal(s) in mind.  They want to get married & have kids.  Others know exactly what they want to do with their career.  Others would rather travel and see the world.  A few don’t know what they want and I fall into this category.  Whenever I’ve interviewed and been asked this question, I’ve never been able to give a concrete answer.  Most of the time I will say “I see myself working for a company that constantly challenges me & one where I continue to thrive.”  

Now whether that is the right or wrong answer isn’t the point.  The point is that I am 33 years old and I still don’t have any idea what I want to do with my life. I know exactly why that is.  The reason is that I’ve let my weight dictate my life.  My weight has been holding me back all these years and this moment of self awareness is incredibly hard to accept.   I’m the one that’s been holding me back. Not just in my professional life but also in my personal life. My weight has been my shield.  

But what am I protecting myself from?

Now that I am losing the weight there are cracks in the shield.  Now that I am not eating my emotions, I am forced to deal with them by actually feeling them.  People who know me know that I don’t cry.  I didn’t like it. I thought it was a sign of weakness. Whenever I started to feel like I was going to cry, I would pinch the inside of my hand to stop me from doing so.  Now I tear up quite easily.  Like right now I am a freaking teary mess.  It’s me dealing with the emotions that I have avoided for all these years.  It’s realizing that I don’t know exactly who I am or what I want now that my shield is slowly going away. And that’s fucking scary.  

Losing weight isn’t the only thing I have to work at.  I also have to work at finding out who I am.  Figuring out that I am what’s holding me back is the first step.  Where do I see myself in 5 years?  

I want to be happy proud with who I am.