peace + love + cupcakes

I’ve always felt like I was never enough. Even though I was extremely overweight, I’ve always felt invisible. Ironic isn’t it? I’ve always been the third wheel, the “nice” friend, the reliable one, the fat one, the person who you call when you need something, the one who isn’t a priority to anyone not even herself. How can I expect anyone to care for me or like me if I don’t like myself? If I liked myself, I wouldn’t have treated myself this way. I am like the abusive boyfriend in a bad relationship. I have been abusing myself mentally & letting food be the thing that both comforts and punishes me. There have been times that I stop & try to be better but I always go back to that abusive relationship with myself. How can I expect to be a priority to anyone - family, friend, etc - if I constantly put myself down by my actions? How can I expect anyone to love me if I don’t love myself? Because when you love someone, you treat them with respect.

I’ve let my weight interfere with my life & how I live it. I feel like the past 32 years have been wasted. I haven’t been the best person I could be & realizing that today made me cry & is bringing up all these feelings of unworthiness. Most people would tell you that I am not sensitive because I don’t show my emotions. I hold them very close to me; so close that not many people truly know me. And that’s no one’s fault but mine. But the times that I have opened myself up I have gotten burned badly. I try to brush things off like they don’t affect me but they do. For instance….

I was looking at a picture from a while back from a cousin’s wedding. The majority of my female cousins and my younger sister were bridesmaids or somehow involved in the wedding. But not me. In the picture, I am standing in the back & you don’t even know that I am in it as all you can see if my face. Why wasn’t I asked to be a part of that group? I know it’s because of my weight. I know I wouldn’t have been able to wear the dress they all wore but to be excluded like that sucked. I never realized how much it hurt to be excluded that way. And that isn’t the only time that I have felt like I have been excluded in family functions.

Friends. I’ve always tried to be a good friend. Sometimes I think I try too hard. I try to treat my friends like I would want to be treated. But I’ve never had a friendship where I am made to feel like I am an important part of the group. With my different groups of friends throughout the years, I’ve always felt invisible. Like if I wasn’t there it wouldn’t matter. It’s sucky way to feel.

And my dad. I haven’t spoken to him since 2001. We used to fight all the time & then he and my mom got a divorce. I tried to keep a relationship with him & we fought. We fought so much. It was such a toxic relationship. One day I wrote him a 4 page letter telling him how I felt & he sent me a note back telling me to give him a call when I changed my attitude. That was 11 years ago. It hurts to think that if I wasn’t good enough for my dad to try to keep a relationship with me then I am not going to be good enough anyone. I mean, he was supposed to love me unconditionally and it was so easy for him to let me go. He has never once tried to get a hold of me. Never sent a birthday card. Nothing. I don’t even know if he is alive. And all I can think is that I wasn’t enough.

Even though I have a large family & some friends, I feel so lonely most of the time. I haven’t found one person who is ever made me feel like I matter. But it all goes back to me & it’s my fault that I feel this way. It’s hard to admit that it’s my fault. This isn’t a “woe is me” type of post. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t change how people treat me. I can only change how I treat myself & how I react to others. I have to start learning to like myself and soon that will turn into love.

In a way, I’ve been able to hide myself behind my weight. But as I continue to lose weight, I am not only losing pounds but I am losing who I used to be and that’s very scary because I am starting to not know who I am. Someone told me that I am becoming this whole new person and while that’s exciting, I am also terrified. I am terrified that I will go back to where I was 16 months ago. I am terrified that as I continue to lose weight I will still feel like I am not good enough. Not even for me.